This is an Idiot-Free Zone!…. Oh Wait…. No it Isn’t
(*note: I am about to make very generalized statements, and I must point out that only 65% of the people I’ve added on Facebook seem to be complete idiots. The other 35% are composed of random people who are somewhat intelligent, my most awesome friends, my family, and a few cool adults.)
(*another note: This rant does not necessarily reflect my true feelings for the people I am referring to. There are also a few exceptions made for people who fit the profile of a Facebook idiot, but are super awesome or nice. Yes, I do realize that making exceptions is cheating. No, I do not care.)
Ahhhh Facebook, a wonderful social networking site in which you can communicate with your highly educated peers and have deep, sophisticated conversations. LOLZ, not really. Welcome to my private Facebook hell.
The Fine Art of Updating a Status
Let’s face it, we all know at least one person who abuses the written English language. These people don’t just abuse it- they kick it in the stomach repeatedly and steal its lunch money, leaving it to die in its own misery. These people can be identified quickly, as the majority of their statuses will have one or all of the following characteristics:
- THEY TYPE IN ALL CAPS
- EvErY oThEr LeTtEr Is CaPiTaLiZeD
- Evry sngle wrd is missin lettrs or a few words are consistently missing letters. Real examples) n or nd vs and, kno vs know, new vs knew, wen vs when
- Some words have extra letters. Real examples) thee, buht, lovee, juss, ii
- The letter z replaces the letter s. Real examples) y’allz, skittlez, baddasz
- Words are spelled incorrectly. And I don’t mean simple typos, I’m talking about words that make you think to yourself, “how did you even come up with this and why?” This includes real words that replace other words. Real examples) rite vs right, sexxii vs sexy, sum vs something, gone vs gonna or going to, jux vs just, nite vs night
- Punctuation marks and numbers replace letters. Real examples) s!ngl3, h0es
- The letter q replaces the letter g. Real examples) qiqqles vs giggles
- The letter y replaces i, and/or two i’s replace a y. Real examples) lyfe, happii
- Atrocious grammar. Real examples) runned
All of those real examples came from statuses I have seen in the last 5 days or less. I totally understand that the goal is to post a Facebook status, not write an award winning thesis, but that doesn’t mean that people shouldn’t try to spell things correctly or use correct grammar. If you can’t spell, you’re dyslexic, english isn’t your first language, you have an assload of accidental typos, or whatever THAT IS OKAY! The spelling and grammar part of the rant is only aimed at people who purposely abuse the English language.
Anyways, moving on to status frequency. It is not okay to be an attention whore and update your status more than necessary. Twice a day would seriously be pushing it. Any more than that and you really just fail at life. However, these types of statuses are the exception and should be posted regardless of how many times your status has been updated that day:
- Serious current event status| Also known to some as the prayer request status depending on the use. This status has two sub-types: personal and community. The personal sub-type informs others of a tragedy (not death), surgery, update on surgery progress, injury, etc. involving a friend, family member, or the poster themselves. Not exactly real examples) “Grandma’s heading to surgery for her liver transplant.”
“Broke my leg this morning while dancing to Michael Jackson.”
“Aunt and Uncle’s house burned down in a fire”
“Grandma’s out of surgery with her new liver!”
“Found out today my friend has cancer.”
The worldly/community sub-type informs others of a serious current world event, or an event in their local community. This is about things like what’s going on in Libya, someone being shot and killed in your city, a military tragedy, etc. You get the picture. - I can’t keep this to myself status| This is when something hilarious or friggin’ AMAZING happens! You just can’t not share it! Often begins with ‘OMG’ or some variation. Not so real examples) “OMG just made a grilled Cheesus!!”
“OMG Glee is on tonight!”
“OMG just saw Lea Michele at the grocery store!!”
“OMG Darren Criss is in my bed right now!!” - Congratulations status| A status to congratulate someone else, or a status in which other people will be congratulating you. Not so real examples) “Congrats to Billy and Susie on their new baby!”
“I’m getting married!”
“Congrats to my bro on winning the lottery!!” - R.I.P status| To inform others of a death, or to reflect on the anniversary of a death and honor their memory.
- Invitational status| A status that is actually an invitation. Sometimes begins with “Who wants to […]” or “Does anybody want to […]” Not so real examples) “Who wants to come over to my house for a party tonight?!”
“Does anybody want to go see [insert movie name here] with me?”
“Parents are gone for the weekend! Party at my place!”
Girrrrrrrrrl Please, That Ain’t Yo’ Real Middle Name
Listen carefully! “Wacka Flacka, Gucci Mane, The real king of new york, etc” IS NOT YOUR REAL MIDDLE NAME! Do you hear me, god dammit?! NOT YOUR REAL MIDDLE NAME!
Also, ‘liking’ your own status is like high five-ing yourself. That ain’t right. It’s like facebook status masturbation. You only do it for your own pleasure.
Lastly, tagging all of the people on your friend list in a picture of you holding your shirt up to show off your non-existant abs is LAME! DON’T DO IT!
That is all….
